Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Why are you all lying to me?!




Ok... Maybe I shouldn't admit just how crazy I am. Maybe this is bad self PR. But you, my trusty blog, have been with me for the last 7years of my life in Cairo. So you already know my kind of crazy.

Giving a bad performance.

We've all done it

You were in a bad mood, feeling unwell, uncomfortable with the audience, forgotten your choreography, Injured yourself, music kept messing up, or, as happened to me on Saturday, had a costume disaster, and because of the above reason (s) you feel you didn't dance as well as you should have. 

 I was foolish. I did something experienced dancer KNOW not to do. I thought I would get away with performing in a costume I'd only tried in the shop and not actually danced in. I didn't get away with it. 

It didnt burst or anything, thank god! But the clips on the bra were so tight that I couldn't breathe. I literally thought I was going to pass out on stage! Every move was painful as was every in breath. 

Needless to say, my 15minute performance in said costume did not exactly demonstrate what I am capable of! Not even near it. 

I was so angry at myself.  I know better than that. 


The weird thing was. Everyone seemed to love the show. All the feedback I have had has been very positive. Yet I have seen the video and it depressed the hell out of me!! 

Maybe my standards for myself are just too high? 

Maybe the people who thought I was rubbish just slunk off without saying anything to me?

Maybe, and this is the idea I can't shake, maybe they are all lying to me! 

See. Told you I'd be showing my true crazy.

But I felt I had to say it, so that others out there who have had similar experiences could relate. I am guessing I am not alone. I am hoping so anyway!! Who out there has really felt they danced badly and almost felt angry when people congratulate you on a job well done?! 

It takes a lot of control not to reply, "are you blind? Did you even see my dance? I was awful!!!! How can you stand there and lie to me like that?! If you think that was good you don't know Anything about dance!!! "

Ok. Deep breath (now that I can!) . Thanks for listening. 

That off my chest, I need to get a grip now..

Maybe, I was still good. 
Maybe I connected with my audience in a way that was meaningful to them.
Maybe what was good about my dance wasn't the stuff that shows on video anyway. 
Maybe my 'shit' is still other people's 'good'.  


So, what I have to take away from this is two things....


- Always dance about in a costume before wearing it to perform in

And

- Don't beat myself up when my good isn't good enough for me. Instead, try to work harder so that I don't let myself down in future. 


I suspect that 2nd lesson is a life lesson that may well take all my life to master. 

Am I the only crazy one out there? 

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think I've watched you dance often enough to know that your 'shit' is still very good. And the fact you think you we're shit is part of what makes you so good. I think perhaps you just always bring something beautiful to the dance and you can't help it. Dumb-ass mistake though, ya fanny. Speth xx

Adonia said...

I wasn't there and have never seen you dance but I can say that you are not crazy for feeling that way. We all thing that from time to time an we all make mistakes that effect our dance. Let's face it, it could have been a much much worse costume malfunction. You could have totally lost your top :-O However, you didn't but you did learn a valuable lesson and you will not make that mistake again. Also, they are not all lying to you. If they said that then likely they meant it honestly and wanted to let you know. They just have different standard than you do because they are not trained in you art. Artist's always see the flaws before they see the beauty. We are our worst critics.

Adonia said...

I wasn't there and have never seen you dance but I can say that you are not crazy for feeling that way. We all thing that from time to time an we all make mistakes that effect our dance. Let's face it, it could have been a much much worse costume malfunction. You could have totally lost your top :-O However, you didn't but you did learn a valuable lesson and you will not make that mistake again. Also, they are not all lying to you. If they said that then likely they meant it honestly and wanted to let you know. They just have different standard than you do because they are not trained in you art. Artist's always see the flaws before they see the beauty. We are our worst critics.

Sumaya said...

I'd say, they aren't lying to you, and, they aren't blind, and you aren't crazy either! As another veteran dancer (though, not on the scale you are performing at) I have found that people's expectations and reactions aren't close to what we think they should be. The only people who ever know when one of my performances isn't actually stellar is my mother, or my husband. They actually know the real me well enough to know when things are really going wrong, sadly, I think the average audience isn't getting much past my fringe shaking.