Ok... Maybe I shouldn't admit just how crazy I am. Maybe this is bad self PR. But you, my trusty blog, have been with me for the last 7years of my life in Cairo. So you already know my kind of crazy.
Giving a bad performance.
We've all done it
You were in a bad mood, feeling unwell, uncomfortable with the audience, forgotten your choreography, Injured yourself, music kept messing up, or, as happened to me on Saturday, had a costume disaster, and because of the above reason (s) you feel you didn't dance as well as you should have.
I was foolish. I did something experienced dancer KNOW not to do. I thought I would get away with performing in a costume I'd only tried in the shop and not actually danced in. I didn't get away with it.
It didnt burst or anything, thank god! But the clips on the bra were so tight that I couldn't breathe. I literally thought I was going to pass out on stage! Every move was painful as was every in breath.
Needless to say, my 15minute performance in said costume did not exactly demonstrate what I am capable of! Not even near it.
I was so angry at myself. I know better than that.
The weird thing was. Everyone seemed to love the show. All the feedback I have had has been very positive. Yet I have seen the video and it depressed the hell out of me!!
Maybe my standards for myself are just too high?
Maybe the people who thought I was rubbish just slunk off without saying anything to me?
Maybe, and this is the idea I can't shake, maybe they are all lying to me!
See. Told you I'd be showing my true crazy.
But I felt I had to say it, so that others out there who have had similar experiences could relate. I am guessing I am not alone. I am hoping so anyway!! Who out there has really felt they danced badly and almost felt angry when people congratulate you on a job well done?!
It takes a lot of control not to reply, "are you blind? Did you even see my dance? I was awful!!!! How can you stand there and lie to me like that?! If you think that was good you don't know Anything about dance!!! "
Ok. Deep breath (now that I can!) . Thanks for listening.
That off my chest, I need to get a grip now..
Maybe, I was still good.
Maybe I connected with my audience in a way that was meaningful to them.
Maybe what was good about my dance wasn't the stuff that shows on video anyway.
Maybe my 'shit' is still other people's 'good'.
So, what I have to take away from this is two things....
- Always dance about in a costume before wearing it to perform in
- Don't beat myself up when my good isn't good enough for me. Instead, try to work harder so that I don't let myself down in future.
I suspect that 2nd lesson is a life lesson that may well take all my life to master.
Am I the only crazy one out there?